I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize