I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
