Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
