I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Damn victory sex feels great
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
