Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
