I didn't shave. On purpose
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
