Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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