Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
