i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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