We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
