do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
