I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
