This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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