He disabled his match.com account in front of me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Randomize
