She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
