He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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