Having a random hookup so left but love u
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The uberlube is also flammable
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
