You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
