Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
