I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
