That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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