I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
