we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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