If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
