who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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