I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
