News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
