I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
