I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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