My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I understand Curling. That high.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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