I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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