He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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