just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
