Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
