i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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