she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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