I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
