If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
