if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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