I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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