Your mouth is God's brothel.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
