I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
