I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
