Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
