You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
