I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
