woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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