Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
