Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
