I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
3pm strippers are depressing
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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