All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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