Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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