Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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