mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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