I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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