Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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