I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
