about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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