Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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