If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Will exercising make me less horny?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
