Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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