I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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