She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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