We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
