My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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