college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
