I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize