I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
