grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
