I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
as a side note pls kill me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
