I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
