What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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