Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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