Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
