She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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